all-nighters

I worked all night Friday night. Had my first "parenting time" weekend with the kids. The weekend was my birthday on Saturday and my middle child's tenth birthday on Sunday. Then I proceed to work all night (until now, at noon) last night.

My wife is lying to me about the residence of her boyfriend and last Saturday noight got drunk and made out with a stranger at a bar and lamented to her friends that she wished she didn't have a nice boyfirend and she hoped he wouldn't show up.

I just hope to God she didn't ask the kids to lie about Tattooine living at my house. I need to raise her rent before she even starts paying it. I hope she breaks it off with him to pursue making out with other stangers at bars. It would at least be a step in the right direction.

I am seriously considering fighting for custody, but have many factors (heretofore undiscussed in this forum) to consider. Please bear with me and refrain from bashing my wife or my indecision in your comments. I'm too fucking tired.

Peace be with you.

CONGREGATION: And to you.

about last night...

"This number," I said, my heart in my throat, pointing to the monthly rent number on a worksheet, "only applies to you and the girls living here. If the residency changes that number will change. Most likely to the full amount of my mortgage payment."

"Well, that's mean."

"No it isn't." She was visibly upset. "If anyone else moves in here, and I'm not saying anyone in particular, even if it's your best girlfriend, they can kick in another 200 bucks for rent."

"Anything else?"

"No, that's all"

She stormed off to get ready for band practice.

Band practice turned out to be cancelled and she came back while I was moving stuff out. We decided to go through the DVDs so I could grab some. I spoke my mind again whilst sorting DVDs.

Me: "I was thinking, and wondered if you'd though about: what if the kids get attached to this guy and then you break up. It'd be like another divorce and they haven't started to deal with this one yet."

Her response?

"I can't let that stop me."

Boggle.

I said: "You can let it slow you down!!!"


Upon reflection with all of her "I'm better than you" talk, it turns out she was always a redneck and I had elevated her.

nervous wreck

I'm a nervous wreck right now, let me tell you why.

She-who-must-not-be-named and I have long agreed that I would own the house and rent it back to her at a subsidized rate. That means that what she pays in rent will be less that what I pay in mortgage. I'm willing to do this for two reasons: 1) I really want to have my kids stay in the house I bought for them to grow up in. I don't want them to have to change schools, friends or busses. 2) I am still building equity in it as an investment.

Tonight I will go over to get the last of my stuff and talk to her about support during the separation period. The stressful part is that I'm going to tell her that if anyone else moves in, the rate will go up to the full amount of my mortgage payment. There's a chance that she'll freak. I hope not.

pity the child

Fool that I was I thought this would bring
Those he had left closer together.

She made her move the moment he crawled away.
I was the last the woman told,
She never let her bed get cold.

Someone moved in I shut my door,
Someone to treat her just the same way as before.

- "Pity the Child", Chess (1984 Concept Album)
- Bjorn Ulvaeus, Time Rice, Benny Andersson

surprising conversation

I actually said what I was thinking to her the other day. I don't know how it came up, but it was a civil conversation.

"I know I have no say in your life, but I'd really like to see you stand on your own and date around. I think it'd be good for you."

"I know what you're saying. But you know, I've always had a boyfriend."

"That's what's scary. I'd like to see you stand on your own and be independent."

"Oh, I've been on my own. I've paid my own bills. I know what it's like."

"When was that?"

"When we were dating."

"But you had me. You 've always had someone to change your lightbulbs and open jars and change your oil."

"But I like to depend on a man. I think men like to be needed."

"Some men do. I like to be needed, but I also like a woman to be independent."

"Well I'm not going to be like Joyce."

Joyce is a very independent woman we know--annoyingly so.

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that the times I've found you most attractive are the times when you had a good job and you acted more self-assured and independent. I guess I just like that in a woman."

Then she drove off for work. Not mad. Not escaping. But not getting it either.

tattooine

A brief, factual, portrait. Allow me the bitterness this once. (My apologies to those in or from Arkansas).

• Both shoulders tattooed to elbows (at least).
• Drives 1-ton pickup with Arkansas plates and fifth wheel.
• Once was a professional mechanic.
• On disablilty due to bad back.
• Supports four children from a previous marriage with his disability check.
• Enrolled at local technical college.
• Wooed She-who with well-toned biceps and the clever line "What would it take to get you to have dinner with me?" instead of her typical "wanna go somehere and fuck?"

Damn! What a catch.

glue stick

After staying up till 1:00 this morning working on student council campaign posters for my two eldest daughters, I've discovered that Elmer's Washable School Glue Stick is a miracle product! It's light-years beyond what we used in elementary school to gule/paste with.

Oh, and I met The Boyfriend yesterday. I had to take the kids home and she refused to ask him to temporarily vacate as I did, so... I'll just call him Tattooine. It goes a long way toward explaining She-who's new "arm art." All they need is a Camaro on blocks in front of the house and the picture will be complete. (He is a mechanic...)

divorce filed

She-who-must-not-be-named formally filed (with the document prepared by me) for divorce at 10:00 this a.m. There is a 60 day waiting period in Indiana which puts our "final" hearing date on November 22.

A weight has been lifted, to be sure.

As I told a friend last night, since Allen's elucidation (see oh. my. god. the answer! below), there's no turning back for me. I realize that even if she wanted reconciliation, our problems would never be solved.

I really am pepe le pew!

You are Pepe Le Pew!

You are a suave skunk who lives for l'amour. You may not always get the girl (or guy), but there are always many more fish in the sea, no? Take the What Looney Tunes Character are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com!

moving

Well, I'm about moved out. I got back tonight to pack up the computer and some miscellany. I'm leaving a couple of big pieces till I find an apt, as I'm staying with a friend right now. Feeling better about things. She-who is afraid about being able to afford everything. A full-time promotion fell through at work. I can sympathize but it was her idea all along, so I can't really do or say anything about it. I'm going to officially file tomorrow, I think. Just a matter of finding the time with moving to write up the two-page document.

So it costs like $30 for a marriage license, but $107 to file for divorce. I think there's a conspiracy there somewhere.

I hope to have the kids on my birthday (Sept 28) as I'd rather be with them then go out and drink.

oh. my. god. the answer!

My friend Allen (my Web site artist and best man) just summed it all up on the phone. It's scary.

BACKGROUND: One of the tattoos she got was a heart with a ribbon that said "my heart belongs to daddy."

She moved out and got married for four months to a con artist. She left him and met me two weeks later. I was her second husband. She's got a new guy. She cannot live without a man to replace her late father. She spent thirteen years blaming me for not being like her father.

Her heart never belonged to me. You do the math.

selfishness and immaturity

While I know I'm preaching to the choir, if you didn't believe that selifishness and immaturity were the root of the divorce action, try this on:

While I was in Cincinnati, She-who-must-not-be-named went out and spend about the last $130 in the community bank account on two tattoos. One on each shoulder. Now I have nothing against tattoos--in fact, I encouraged her for a long time to get one if that's what she really wanted to do--the expense, size, placement and lack of regard for financial situation just makes my head spin.

I'm baaaaack!

I'm back from Cincinnati. I had a pretty good time. Met Chappy and saw The Spinster's house (she was out of town). Saw a Reds/Cubs game. Got some pix but don't know when I'll put them up as I moved out last night. I need to move into a new place (I'm staying with a friend this week) and set things up before I can get the pix off my camcorder.

As I just said, I didn't sleep at home last night. The first night of forever. I'm a little more upset this morning than I have been. Most of it to do with a brief argument last night with She-who-must-not-be-named about when it's appropriate to have boyfriends/girlfriends over when the kids are around. She's being predictably immature about it. I really don't want to discuss the specifics here though. To many nuances for me to impart and they are too painful to impart. It just saddens me that she's considering jumping into a serious relationship so soon. It saddens me not as her soon-to-be ex-husband, but as a father and not a little as her friend. I'd like to see her stand on her own and date around. But I have no say there. Perhaps her other friends will convince her. I hope so.

As for me, I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't looking forward to actually having sex with a second woman in my lifetime.

leaving

Well I'm off to Cincinnati. No email. No messenger. No blogging. Till Sunday.

Bye.

what's happening!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, it's been crazy with the divorce and all. We pretty much have agreed on everything in principle for the settlement. She has agreed (willingly, joyfully) to joint legal custody. I will own the house and rent it back to her so the kids can live in the house I bought for them, and go to the same school. I want to unselttle them as little as possible. Regardless of the kind of wife she's been, she's a very good mother and always puts the kids first, so I don't have great concern there.

The one great thing about my marriage has always been that we see eye-to-eye on child rearing. We always have. Even before we had kids or were even married. We have never fought about how to raise the kids. We feel like we will do well as divorced parents because the rules won't change (in theory, of course) from my house to hers. I have high hopes. Not only that, but I have legal remedies if things go sour.

On another note: Celexa is a fucking wonder drug. I've been on it a week and already I don't feel overwhelmed any more. I'm almost manic now. I don't want to stay in bed and I'm getting tons done at work. One of the reasons I haven't blogged is because I actually feel like working. It's a good feeling.

I move out next week to friends' houses and look for an apartment and do the actual divorce filing. Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to my trip to Cincinnati tomorrow through Sunday to get away from everything.

Oh! And I fucking love my car!

Corrected at 3:07 due to manic spelling errors.

car

Oh, by the way, I bought a car today. It looks like this. It's a 1992 Saturn SL2.

hey, cincinnati people!

If there's any bloggers, commenters or lurkers out there from Cincinnati that would like to meet me, I'll be there from Fri-Sun this weekend. If so, drop me an email or leave a private message.

appropos

This was in my email today. Ironic.

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Houston, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place never to return. A couple of friends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!

And up they go.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

No offense intended...

more divorce

We told the kids today. They took it remarkably well (for now). None of them were surprised, but the Rooster may not have grasped it yet. I'm looking for both an apartment and a car now.

chapter ii

"I know you have to leave right away," she said, "but do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Uh-oh. This sounds bad. "Sure!"

We sit on the couch in our dimly-lit living room.

"I've been thinking a lot lately," she was misty, "about my happiness and stuff."

Double uh-oh

Her voice cracked, "I've had some issues with you, and you've done really well, and that's great. But I just don't see myself being happy. We're doing well, but we're just going through the motions."

"I agree," I said sincerely.

"I want a divorce."

My heart skips. "What about a separation?"

She shakes her head vehemently, to indicate she's already considered it. "No, I want a divorce. I don't want to be adversarial, I want to be civil. When you come back from Cincinnati next week, I'd like you to move out."

This is an arrangement we agreed upon many months ago when we almost divorced before. None of this is news, and I feel the same way, and I tell her so. "I can't say I'm shocked. I'm just surprised to hear it from you and not me. I mean you were always the hopeful one."

"I know. I think we could be great friends and great divorced parents, but I just need to be happy."

"It's like we had these three issues to solve that would make us happy. And when we basically solved them, it didn't make us happy."

"I know." She's welling up. "I wanted to have someone here with me because I didn't know how you'd react. I thought you might blow up or hit me or something."

Jesus Christ. You've been married to me for 13 years. "You know me better than that."

"Yeah."

"I gotta go."

"I know."

I head toward the door, and turn back toward her: "I do love you, you know."

"I know."

"I mean if a car was coming at you I'd still push you away and take the hit."

A weary smile. "Yeah. I love you too."

Sometimes love just isn't enough. It's going to happen this time.

quiz time

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 78% Hardcore Junkie (61% - 80%) While you do get a bit of sleep every night and sometimes leave the house, you spend as much time as you can online. You usually have a browser, chat clients, server consoles, and your email on auto check open at all times. Phone? What's that? You plan your social events by contacting your friends online. Just be careful you don't get a repetitive wrist injury... The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Stvlive.com!

good night

Last night was a good night. The first in a very long time. Many things contributed to it:

1. My doctor took the brace/cast off my hand and told me I didn't need it. By the end of the day it wsa feeling pretty good.
2. My doctor also switched me from Wellbutrin to Celexa. I know there hasn't been a chemical effect yet, but the notion that I'm now treating the anxiety along with the depression is encouraging.
3. My "boss" took some workload off of me and helped me streamline some everyday tasks. Plus he told me to call a meeting to offload som more work.
4. A friend gave me a new laptop. He felt sorry for my eBay $30 386SXC/20 and gave me a corporate cast-off Compaq Armada 4131t Pentuim 133 color laptop. Runs Windows 98. Very, very cool. All I need is a new AC adapter. (~$25)
5. I got my checkbook mostly balanced and discovered I wasn't bouncing checks after all.
6. Kevin of Hidden City (as mentioned below) sent me some things off my wish list.

Tonight wasn't as good, but I have high hopes for the future.

art is what you enjoy

Now, I know y'all just want to buy me a present. This is only $6.98! Make me a happy, happy man!

Of course, I'll have to figure out where to hang it...

speaking of presents...
MKH got me a couple of things off my Amazon wish list [see right] for a get well soon/brithday present! Wowwee wow wow wow! I never actually thought anyone would buy me anything off of that list. That makes me so happy!

Thanks, Kevin!

august 28, 7:15 am, whitley county road 600 east

I was heading south on 600 East. It is a North-South road differentiated from the surrounding non-roadness chiefly by it's lack of corn stalks. Like most Indiana county roads, it is a straight line of cracked patches on cracked blacktop. At 7:15 I should be off of 600 East and on 500 South, but I'm not and I seldom am. I'm late again.

CR 300 South tees into my path about 200 feet ahead from the West through another break in the cornstalks. At the intersection sits (or so I think) a red 93 Ford 150 Pickup. Clearly he has crept up to peer around the elephant's-eye-high corn corner to check the traffic before pulling out. This is nothing new. He'll stop with his bumper sticking into my path and I'll have to swerve around it, but that's par for the course in autumn in corn country. Only at about thirty feet away, I realize that not only is he not going to stop with his bumper in the road, he's not going to stop at all--he's going to turn left (north), right in front of me.

"How did you break your thumb?" people ask me. I tell them it was when I grabbed the steering wheel to brace myself when I totaled my car. I also locked my knee while pressing the brake so hard that the tires broke free of the black top and sent me sliding as if on ice into and under the side of the pickup--so my leg hurts a bit too.

Two thoughts go through my mind during the period from the point of breaking to the point of impact. 1) "I'm going to hit him hard." 2) [After seeing nothing but hood and a cracked windshield in front of my eyes] "I'm going to get a new car!" Seriously. Then after that, "I'm glad I wear a seat belt."

At this point, I realize that the truck is no longer in front of me. I pull my miraculously still-running car off the road, and get out to find the truck. The truck has spun clear around and tipped on it's passenger side in a ditch on the east side of the road. A witness is heading toward the overturned pickup and all I can hear is girls screaming. The driver--a 16-year-old boy--and his 17- and 18-year-old female passengers weren't going to make it to school this morning; Thanks to gravity, they are piled up on the passenger's side of the crumpled cab and I'm thinking for sure they must be pinned. I don't see any blood, and they say they aren't pinned. It seems they were simply suddenly disoriented by the impact and roll. I start screaming for a cell phone, stopping cars that were passing through the scene of the accident of the crushed glass of headlights on the road to no avail. It turns out the only cell phone on the scene belongs to one of the girls trying to re-orient herself in the trucks cab while bawling in mortal fear. The phone is passed up through the driver's window and I called 911. Other people at the scene are opening the sliding back window of the truck and getting the passengers out.

Well, that's the first five minutes. I'll try to sum up the rest for tomorrow.