update on myself
per Tim Robbins' request

Don't know quite how to treat this subject gently, so I'll be vague and let you fill in any gaps you feel a need to.

I am currently living in three places: my friend's house, my apartment, and my house. I am staying with the children while my wife is away. As you can guess, it is pretty hectic, especially in figuring out which way to drive home each night.

Tattooine appears to be permanently out of the picture (or at least he's not sleeping in the bed with me). Learned many more loser-ish facts about him from She-who, and am glad he's gone. She is making progress toward straightening her life out after bad influences from the band, Tattooine, and generalized depression (over a year now). I've been helpful to her (like staying with the kids) and clearly reconciliation comes to mind when she sees me in such a good light.

We talked last night and have decided to be separated for six months and then decide whether to proceed with the divorce. (There's little doubt it will still happen, but we both need to be on a more even keel to decide that.)

I'm convinced it was the bad influences above that precipitated the request for divorce, but regardless, it still needed to happen. I believe that her unwillingness to accept me for who I am and not compare me to her late father will not go away. And that, my friends, is the absolute bottom line--in my mind--why this divorce is happening. (The selfishness and immaturity come a close second and third, of course.)

I hope that's enought to satisfy your curiosity for now. I love you all.

happy halloween

Go here.

worst

I believe I had the worst day of my life yesterday. I'm sorry I can't give any details. Things are messed up right now. I'll try to keep posting.

for kristiv

The Origin of Halloween

The origin of Halloween dates back 2000 years ago to the Celtic celebration of the dead. A Celtic festival was held on November 1, the first day of the celtic New Year, honoring the Samhain, the Lord of the Dead. Celtic ritual believed that the souls of the dead returned on the evening before November 1. The celebration included burning sacrifices and costumes These early events began as both a celebration of the harvest and an honoring of dead ancestors.

Halloween spread throughout Europe in the seventh century. It began with "All Hallows Eve", the "Night of the Dead". It is immediately followed by "All Souls Day", a Christian holy day.

The first lighted fruit was really carved out gourds and turnips. Sometime along the way, they were replaced by pumpkins which were both larger and much easier to carve. European custom also included the lighting of pumpkins with scary faces to ward of evil spirits, especially spirits who roamed the streets and country during All Hallows Eve.

The Irish brought the tradition of carving turnips and even potatoes with them to America. They quickly discovered that pumpkins were easier to carve.

from The Pumpkin Nook

silly

So, in an effort to suppliment my income, I've decided I'd like to become a barteneder. To do that (at least in Indiana) you have to have a liquor serving permit. I downloaded the permit application and sent it, along with a money order for $20, to the Indiana Alcohol and Tobacco Comission (IATC).

A couple of weeks later I get a rejection form that states:

Your application is being returned to you for the reason(s) indicated below:
[x] Failure to pay outstanding taxes to the Indiana Department of Revenue (IDR)

That didn't surprise me too much, as two years ago I claimed a renter's deduction and neglected to supply the proper paperwork. I decided to call the IDR yesterday to find out what I had to do the clear up my tax status so I could re-apply.

We don't show anything wrong with your tax history.

Well there was [insert explanation of renter's deduction error here]...

Okay, I see that here, but we would not have turned you down for that.

Hmm... I guess the only thing to do is contact the IATC and find out who at the IDR told them what. So I did.

Bartender's section. How can I help you?

Yeah, you guys rejected my application for permit, but the IDR says there's nothing wrong, what's up?

Do you have your application in front of you?

Sure do!

Look at the fourth question from the bottom...



What did you mark?

Oh God! I marked "yes!" What an idiot!!! Hahahahahaha!

That's okay, lots of peole do that. Just correct and initial it and resubmit it.


I'm such an idiot sometimes...

BTW, the girls saw the apartment last night. They love it. A co-worker came by the apartment last night and told me today he was jealous.

got it!

I went and paid the deposit on the apartment. He gave me the keys!!! He said "move in any time!" WooHooo! God, you people need to come to my housewarming! Whenever it happens...

better

I didn't post yesterday. A long story follows...

Last Wednesday and Thursday I missed taking my Celexa. I resumed on Friday and felt no ill effects. I ran short on sleep all last week and Monday night it all caught up with me. I think the residual Celexa in my body bottomed out and I was a mess. Driving home Monday night, I was back to feeling overwhelmed and depressed and panicked and on the verge of tears. I decided to take a "mentally sick" day yesterday and slept till 11:00. I sorted out stuff for the divorce, for my accident "pain and suffering" claim, for the apartment, and balanced my checkbook. The Celexa has kicked in full-force today and I am tons better. Thanks for asking.

I'm so happy. I'm going to put the deposit down on that apartment today. I can't wait to move in. LilFluffy's gonna come by and take pictures when I move in, so hopefully I can post some here.

home!

I think I've found an apartment. I have a couple of more to look at today, but I think I'm going with this one. It is a second-floor two-bedoom loft in a 1920's brick apartment building. It is so very cool, with all wood floors. It's one of 4 apartments in an ivy-covered buliding set among houses on the street. I never even seen the building before even though I've driven past it about 2000 times in my life. It also has a living room, sun room, dining room, kitchen and balcony/deck off the back. The intercom system is a copper pipe that starts with a exterior flange (think: very small trumpet) on the outside of the building, goes through the walls and ends with a second exterior flange in the apartment. Very, very cool. You basically yell in one end and the sound ricochets into the apartment upstairs.

Anyway, it's 1000 sq ft and is only $450/month, which is astounding for that area. It's exactly the neighborhhood I want to be in, about 2 blocks from a major park, and only a few blocks from five different friends. The walls are currently pastels with white trim, and I kinda like it. I may try to redecorate more 20's style, but I don't know. The landlord is very cool and is open to redecoration within reason. He also said he wants to make sure is rents to someone who appreciates it. I'm that guy!

finally: a quiz that gets it right

You Are An Intense Kisser!

Deep tounging, nibbling, and locking lips for hours are on your agenda.
You've been known to wear lovers out with your kiss,
before getting to anything else on the menu.
And given that you kiss so well... imagine how you do everything else.

How Do *You* Kiss?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

damn

tony pierce's busblog details an account of something which may or may not be true (his mantra is that nothing is true on his blog):

i could smell candles. i was hoping i wouldn't find a blood soaked corpse and a dramatic farewell note.

i'm barely a reason to click over to while killing time on the web, im certainly not worth

omg

opened the door and saw a blond girl with her back to me, laying in my bed with a pink plaid miniskirt, knee high f me boots, and a see thru black blouse.

mama mia!

Why can't shit like that happen to me? Anyone want keys to my place?

we're looking for a few good blogs

Edie Singleton of A Mating Call in the Concrete Jungle has pointed us to couple of really excellent blogs:

• brokentype is a extremely well-written blog with stories of lost limerence.
• pearl clutching (excellent name!) is the new blog of two grandmother giving advice to the love-lorn.

Well-worth the visit, both of them.

way-back machine

I was just reading through the first four months of my blog. It's amazing how many of the blogs I started reading way back then are defunct. Almost all of my links are broken. Ephemeral, this Internet.

In my reading, I discovered that the whole divorce started with this post. I see it as a (pardon the pun) "post of no return." Many other people saw the hopelessness before I did. Thanks for being patient with me.

total geek practical joke

We used to have a guy working here who was a real cut up. For a joke on the geek across the hall, he used to search the geek's shared drive for all documents containing the letter "e."

It took the guy months to figure out why his hard drive would suddenly start going nuts and his system would slow to a crawl at random intervals.

Try it on your friends! (And try out the Krauskopizer, to read how this office clown would talk. You kinda had to know him, but I'm proud of writing the software anyway.)

tattooine has left the building

After a bit of a row with my wife, Tattooine packed up and left. I had a long conversation with my semi-enebriated soon-to-be-ex spouse about things when I brought the kids home last night. She confirmed all of our suspicions about Tattooine being "Joe Dirt" reincarnated. I also asked her why she wanted a Camaro:

"For the same reason I would like a Trans-Am."

I chastized her jokingly about relishing the "slippery slope toward white trashdom," and she laughed. She said that she finally felt free to be who she really was.

Sigh. You can take the girl out of the hillbillies, but you can't take the hillbilly out of the girl.

french help

Can somebody provide me with the proper spelling and definition of what is phonetically "j'ne se qua?"

par for the course

Last night, my wife and I did a final run through on asset/debt division for the divorce. I will end up owing her about $4000. She needs to get a new car so we don't have to make payments on the 99 Explorer (which we couldn't afford to begin with, but she "needed" it). So her mechanic boyfriend (who, for the record, is a really nice guy) says he has a friend willing to make him a cash deal on a well-kept car to drive. Turns out the car is $4000. She-who-must-not-be-named asked if I could borrow the money from my grandparents (a viable solution) to buy her the car and then we'd be even on the assets. I'm considering it.

I asked her what kind of car it was. The answer shocked and amused me to no end:

A Camaro.

all-nighter

You ever find a blog you just can't stop reading? The first one I ever found was Mary T's. The latest one is Midnight Magicka's. She actually read all of mine and emailed me that she had (and later blogged it) and I thought I see if she had anything to look at. Occassionally, people will tell me they like my blog, come and read theirs and it's total stinky-poo, but you try to be nice, etc. This was a surprise. I couldn't stop reading. I actually saved it to floppy and finished it on the couch at home. I was up till 3:30 Monday night/Tuesday morning reading.

I guess we think a lot a like plus! her blog is chock-full of drama.

Check it out.

happy happy joy joy

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Two things caused that. For one, I was a bit traumatized by the whole divorce backlash from my posts here, so I'm going to keep the divorce stuff light for a while. As to the other, I was gone all weekend on a mini-break to Michigan, were I picked up a friend in Flint and we went to Casino Windsor and had a blast. Got back Sunday night and went out to do Karaoke. Met a bunch of new people that came in from working at Applebee's and decided to join me where I was sitting. A bunch of cool people.

A note about Casino Windsor: I've never been to a real casino before and the most remarkable thing to me was that there was literally thousands of slot machines using the same four notes from a major triad to give auditory responses to players. They all used the notes in different ways, but the aggregate sound of all the slot machines was a hovering, haunting major chord. Ceaseless and, yea verily, unending--like there was a choir of angels looking down upon the gamblers and delcaring by their song that lo, it was good.

I know some of it is the Clexa talking, but I am happier now than I have been in years. I am short on sleep and I am embroiled in a divorce and I don't see my kids as much, but dammit, I'm fucking happy. And just as I'm typing this, I realize why: I have no guilt! Holy Shit! I can work late with no guilt. I can blog late with no guilt. I can flirt with no guilt. I can skimp on meals without guilt. I had no fucking clue how much guilt She-who-must-not-be-named cast upon me either by commission or by circumstance. Some guilt, like flirting, was not incorrect and not inflicted superficially. Other guilt, like from working overtime, was soley derived from her words and actions. A threat to divorce me here, a hint that I couldn't be a good father if I was at work there--it all fucking builds up after a while.

A weight has been lifted, and I feel fine.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: Where does responsibility end and guilt begin? When does it change from natural to aberrant?

now i've heard everything

CNN Headline News wants to get jiggy with it.

For example: Blitzer: "In essence, Rudi, what tha president is saying to Hussein is 'Check yourself, fool.' Republicans praised tha president's resolve as off tha chain, and said America should smack Hussein upside tha head. But Democrats aren't down wit dat. Know what I'm sayin', Rudi?"

battle of the ads

Mary T. challenged me so....



This is the actual ad (the phone number is still good, but area code 290 now) that my company placed in the yellow pages in 1998. That was when the Internet business was so large that you had to be irreverant to stand out. We had fun in those days. See this site for another example of irreverence we did.

He's nearsighted, get it?

"i've been searching my soul tonight"

I've spent the last hour deep in soul-search mode. I'm hesitant to reveal any more details about my divorce-related decisions to anyone. I will do what I feel in my heart is the right thing. Those closest to me in meatspace--those who know my wife personally and know my children--understand why I've decided the things I have and are supportive.

I lament that I cannot impart the whole situation in words alone.

Lacking mostly in my life right now is hugs.

mitigating circumstances

I went over to the house yesterday over lunch and spoke with She-who-must-not-be-named concerning rent. I told her (automatically assuming the fact that Tattooine was living there) that I would give her till November first to decide whether she wanted him to live there and pay the extra $200 in rent or not.

Somehow she'd got it into her head (not by me,I assure you) that we were talking about a land contract (I'm selling her the house) versus a rental agreement. She believed that legally I couldn't raise the payment based on occupancy and was counting on that fact. I explained to her that, indeed, if it were a land contact I could do no such thing. I also explained to her that if it were a land contact her payment (by definition) would be the full mortgage payment, which recently increased to $300 more than the initial rent I discussed with her.

Her reaction was such that I could tell that she would not kick him out and the increased rent would force her to move out. The news to her was devastating. I told her to think about it.

On the drive back to work I thought about the whole situation and decided that if raising the rent would force her to move out, then I'd defeated the whole purpose of renting her the house to begin with: not uprooting my children. She felt she had a full-time position locked in when she asked for the divorce, but circumstances beyond her control changed that. I began to feel more and more like the added rent was simply meant to be punitive, and was not even morally defensible if it meant uprooting the kids.

I called her when I got back to work and offered her the discounted rent for one year, regardless of occupancy. (As her moving out would not prevent her from still living with him.) After one year I may be able to re-finance at a lower mortgage payment and perhaps even sell her the house by land contract. Or, who knows, perhaps she will be in a situation to buy the house from me. This one year will give her a chance to get on her feet financially and give us perspective over the course of the next year.

I do currently make ten times more than she does. I have a responsibility to my children.

i'm so proud!

Over the weekend I jokingly gave my 11-yr-old a boot in the pants. She said "Ow, that hurt!" and I was like "No, it didn't! All I did was this:" and I booted her again.

She said, "I was being sarcastic, Dad."

*snif* She used "sarcastic" properly in a sentence. I'm so proud!