had to share

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

the answer to fucking everything

I dozed in and out watching the Madonna interview last night. Kurt Vonnegut appeared to me in one of those dreams you have while watching TV where the characters in your dream quote the people on TV but it means something completely different--the way your alarm clock always seems to be anything but an alarm clock when you're dreaming. Kurt sounded amazingly like Madonna, but his Material-girl-words meant something else to me. He spelled out the answer to "if I'm so smart, why aren't I rich?" and other questions in my life.

"Assign a daughter as a policeman for each room. Give bonuses for good work.

"Set up a non-profit to create a music studio for starving musicians. Draw an income. Find a grant. Move someplace warm.

"Introduce that brilliant product/project idea you've been pitching to your friends for years. Get the fuck on with it. No one is going to do it, so do it. Get a grant for it. Find someone good at getting grants. You can write a fucking great grant application, it's what you do. Figure it the fuck out.

"Use your God-given talents to make some fucking money. Deep down you know how.

"Break down your entire life into fifteen-minute segments based on the big picture and then don't worry about the big picture. It will fall together. That includes diet and exercise. And cleaning your office at work.

"Take your meds. Get some sleep. Brush your teeth consistently for Christ's sake.

"Quit church if it's causing you so much grief. Find God in your own way. Encourage your kids to do the same.

"Make a list of things that need to absolutely be done every day and complete it. This means timesheets, laundry, dishes, reading to the kids, budgeting and cleaning.

"Go to bed on time! Benjamin Franklin was right 'Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.' You may not get laid a lot, but that will come with the health and wealth."
It will take a while to digest this. I may never get to implement it completely. But it was nice to have it put into words for me.

the deed is done

Well, she did it. She got married. And she wore black.

I wonder if she had a veil.

I wonder how many more times she'll get married--how many other notches on her machete handle other than me?

I wonder how a woman who claims to put her children first can do what she did.

I wonder if she'll ever even attempt custody.

I wonder how fucked up this will make my daughters.

I wonder when I'm going to have to take legal action to get her stuff out of my house.

I wonder if there is a God.

I wonder if the Cubs will ever have a winning season.

First Annual bitchen.com Junkyard Wars Party




Come to my First Annual bitchen.com Junkyard Wars Party

Click the link above for all the details.


What's Going On?

Columbia City, Indiana (near Fort Wayne) has Trash Amnesty Day every year on the first Saturday in May (May 3rd, this year). On Friday, May 2nd, we will me at 'Bitchen' Ric's house and divide into two teams.

Once the teams are assigned, the assignemnt and scoring criteria will be given. The teams will scour the city's trash piles for the materials needed. After that, contestants can go home, party at my house, sleep on my floor, whatever.

On Saturday, May 3rd, we will reconvene, assign any nerw comers to the two teams and start building! At Noon, we will compete. Things should be done by 2:00 p.m.

Click Here to read about Columbia City's Trash Amnesty Day Eve tradition

Hope to see you there!

bitchen.com or this party are not affiliated in any way with TLC, Discovery or the "Junkyard Wars" television show.

honest feelings

My biggest regret over the last week is not only that I haven't had time to blog but I haven't had time to fully read Tony Pierce or Bunnie (warning, explict adult content).

What really depresses me about those two bloggers is not only that they write well (I suppose I can do that) but they also must type blindingly fast, based on what they tell us about themselves. I'm convinced I could have a much better blog if I could type faster than 35 WPM and not look at my fingers.

filler

Sorry I've been gone so long.

SKB (Stunning Kissing Buddy) is officially my girlfriend. She came over last weekend and helped me clean the house. She graciously helped me extricate The Ex's stuff from the bedroom (drawing the line at folding Her undergarments, of course). How could you not love that? She is actually capable of apologizing and appreciates the Acts of Service that I do so natuarally (e.g. I washed her van and put gas in it without her asking). Since the Ex wanted Gifts and that was not my Love Language, it was always hard for me to express it. SKB's love language is Acts of Service also, so expressing our feelings comes naturally and we mutually appreciate it. SKB is also astonished that I am capable of apology, something her Ex was seemingly incapable of.

In other news, I lost a friend this week--not to death, but to circumstances. In honor of that dissolution I tangentially recommend An Open Letter of Apology to the Country of Iceland by Alan Haley from the excellent Timothy McSweeney's Unreserved Embrace Web site.

And, yes, She's still getting married on Saturday. Thanks for asking.

the big news

The Mormons stopped by the other day. I gave them a run for their money, of course. You gotta love those guys in black suits and backpacks running around in the hot sun door to dorr seeking rejection. I offered them a beer and a smoke, which they politely declined. I pressesd them on why a 16th century man would translate stuff into twelfth centry English, and if it was because God told him to, why did he lift mistranslations from Isaiah directly from the King James? Their answers a pat and unconvincing.

Then The Ex comes over to get some things. I introduce her to my new friends:

"Elder Smith, Elder Jones--this is Satan. Satan--the Mormons! Okay, really she's my ex-wife."

We had a good chuckle.


Speaking of The Ex:

Guess who is getting married in nine days?

You guessed it. On Saturday, April 25th, she will be come Mrs. Pegleg. She will wed the man she left nary two weeks ago. She will wed him before she even finds out if he blows his next monthly installment of A Major Orally-Administered Cronic Pain Drug in the first week in an intravenous fashion.

Why?

Well, of course it's because he assured her he'd get baptized the next day! That makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Don't feel bad. Nobody I've told can come up with words to express how fucked up this is. I think The Rooster, in her fine eight-year-old fashion did it best:

Me: "So, Roo, what do you think about Mommy getting married?"

Roo: "No."

teaser

Frigging HUGE news to come later today. Stay tuned.

give me a break!

Lights! Camera! Retake! details how honda uses 606 retakes to do a one-shot, two-minute-long chain reaction commercial. From the article:

The idea for the advert derived partly from the old children's game Mouse Trap, and from the wacky engineering of Caractacus Potts's breakfast-making machine in the Sixties film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Has the author never heard of Rube Goldberg? Rube Goldberg, people! Give credit where credit is due!

Sheesh!

explain this to me

Tim Robbins in respose to being uninvited to the Baseball Hall of Fame Celebration of the 15th anniversary of Bull Durham:

I am sorry that you have chosen to use baseball and your position at the Hall of Fame to make a political statement. I know there are many baseball fans that disagree with you and even more that will react with disgust to realize baseball is being politicized.

How is politicizing an event that's tangential to baseball (like this one) any different than politicizing an event tangential to movies (like the Oscars)?

How can he have such a massive blind spot to the double standard he's committing? One of the single most political people in Hollywood is criticizing someone in Sports for being political?

Give me a break.

read the letter

see me? I'm washing my hands

"Mark my words, she'll be back in the trailer in a month," Chris told me yesterday.

I'm glad I didn't bet him.

The Ex visited Pegleg in the "hospital" yesterday. I talked to her last night.

"Well, I can't get the apartment without a cosigner."

"What are you gonna do?" I asked knowingly.

"I'm going to get him from the hospital tomorrow night and I'm going to stay with him at the trailer until we find a house to rent."

"We?"

"Yeah."

Pause.

"You realize I'm never going to help you again."

"I figured you'd say that."

Pause.

"And I'm not helping you move."

"I figured you'd say that."

Insert irrelevant conversation here.

"What about the kids staying with him?"

"It's not going to happen until I'm sure it's safe."

"Thank you. Thank you very much. I really appreciate that."

"Well, Duh! I'm not stupid."

"'My momma always said, "Stupid is as stupid does."'"


This morning she was playing the piano as I left for work. I brushed her hair aside and kissed her on the forehead. "Bye, dear."

She smiled at the humor. "Have a good day, honey."

"You go get your boyfriend and get on with your life."

"Alrighty. Bye."


This is a decision that was made totally without the influence of drugs or alcohol--unlike every other decision she's made in the last year including asking me for a divorce. I guess I was always a little sympathetic toward her actions knowing that she wasn't "in her right mind" when making decisions. She's still not in her right mind, but in a whole new way.

This time I don't care anymore.
I'm not responsible anymore.

sometimes you can't help but blog about the war

she moved

Becklyn moved her blog and is updating it more now. Check it out.

the lion sleeps tonight

The Ex sleeps on my couch Thursday.

The Ex sleeps on a friend's couch Friday.

The Ex disappears from 11:00 a.m. Saturday to 11:00 a.m. Sunday. Her last known mood: despondent.

Cops insist that if she's homeless then she's not really missing, is she?

She was supposed to meet Pegleg at his mom's on Saturday. He wasn't there.

Friday night, in a fit of utter stupidity, Pegleg reported theft of her items from his mobile home, then punched a door to garner pain medication from the emergency room. E/R refused. Pegleg threatened suicide. Cops committed him.

At 11:00 a.m. Sunday, Ex shows, tells me she slept in his mobile home to get "R & R" and didn't want to have to drive the mile to the gas sation to use the phone. I inform her that the relativly small pain in the ass of driving to said payphone paled in comparison to my frantic search and trip to the police station and calls to hospitals.

Ex visits Pegleg in rehab on Sunday. Despite numerous repeated explanations as to why she left, he asks again and again. Pegleg calls her at my house several times last night.

Ex is deadset on getting an apartment this weekend. To help with her deposit, I offered to purchase large TV and other sundries she took in the divorce. This appears to be a win-win situation.

Meanwhile, three hours of my Saturday are spent removing the front suspension (stablizer arm-to-control arm bushing shattered) of my car in a freezing gas station parking lot in B.F. Egypt due to mechanic's ineptness at re-assembling my car after last week's car-repair escapade.

a twisted life I lead

The Ex called my cell this morning.

"Bring some muscle and trucks. I'm leaving."

I did. (I'd told her that if she wanted to leave Pegleg for good, I'd help.) She has her stuff in my garage and a pull-out couch in the basement till she can find an apt.

Don't you wish your life was a boring as mine?

The weekend with SKB is off. She understands. She is very cool. And remarkably mature in comparison to The Ex. Be happy for me.

The date from last night sent me a "let's just be friends" email this morning. Oh well.

give me a spring break!

The Ex had taken the kids for spring break. I tried to call Tuesday night to tell them I missed them, but her phone was disconnected. Great. A little later I get a call from a Very Upset Ex telling me that Pegleg is abusing select substances while she is at work and he's alone with the kids.

Fuck that.

So I went out int the middle of the night last night and got them. They are back with me for the remainder of spring break. Unfortunately, my Stunning Kissing Buddy was supposed to come up and spend the weekend. So those plans are up in the air now.

My kids are the number one most important thing to me. So I'm not the type to be pissed off if my plans change to make life safer for the kids. I'm simply pissed that The Ex allowed them to get into that situation. SKB has kids and feels the same way. That's very, very cool.

Meanwhile, I met the other girl who's been emailing me tonight. Strange. We were at the same bar and we introduced ourselves and sat a near tables. She was with several girlfriends, so I felt as if I was imposing if I tried to break into their party. Near the end we actually talked and it turns out she's met my brother and her sister works with my sister-in-law. Small World.

Life is in the air, but still better than it was being married.

Peace.

hell yeah

theres a twenty year old marine reservist who now wants to claim that he is a concientious objector.

im a pacifist but if anyone has to fight in the war, it ought to be that dude, for being an idiot.

Tony Pierce is my hero.

bwahahahahaha!

This is freaking hilarious. Keep clicking her face for more insults.

In fact this whole site is a riot...

cubs win!

They have a perfect record now. It's time to start the World Series.

Tony has a delightful prediction for the Cubs season this year.

You know I'm not a sports fan, but I'm going to try damned hard to follow the cubs this season--largely because my goal this year is to see a game at Wrigley. I love to see pro baseball live.

Why don't you people who don't understand baseball or it's appeal try this exercise with me? Follow the Cubs. Then, sometime this summer, come with me to Wrigely. Start by reading this account of my visit to the Red Sox which is geared right at the non-baseball-loving audience.

Write me and we'll get a crew together to make a road trip to Chicago. (Do they still play double-headers?) What do you think?

I promise not to make this blog into a baseball blog. Don't worry.