cake

Mal (my middle daughter) almost made me cry today.

She is turning eleven on Monday. She's having her party tonight. I was up late baking three heart shaped cakes of differing sizes, the largest being 12"-13" at it's widest part, for her birthday.

This morning, when I was trying to get the large cak out of the pan, a 2 1/2" "ring" of heart came out and the center section stayed in the pan, ripping itself out of the cake. I scraped the center section out of the pan and placed it in the middle of the "ring" of cake on the plate.

It looked terrible.

As she was getting ready to head for the bus, I was lathering frosting on it to try to make it presentable.

"I'll try to make it okay," I told her

"I'll be fine no matter what, Daddy, because you made it."

Snif.

I challenge you

Remember this story? The one about the Vietnam soldier who carried around a list of good things about him that was made for his Catholic grade school class?

I think everyone should make a list like that for all of their friends.

I challenge you to do this for your friends. Think of your best friends (or anyone else) and all that you find cool about them. You may think they know, but they need to hear it. Email a list of at least ten cool things about them that they can carry around with them to help them get on when things seem rough.

I'm going to do that. I've done one already, and it felt great.

Leave a comment and tell me how many you sent out.

Don't make the lists public (on your blog, say) but keep them private. Let that person know you're doing it for them alone and not for blog content.

Go to it.

free at last! free at last! thank god almighty, we are free at last!

The Ex called. I'll paraphrase.

"I've decided not to pursue custody. As you know, I called social services on you. I talked to the guy afterwards and he believed everything was okay. I was worried from what the girls told me, but now I'm not. I'm happy if the girls are happy. I don't want to put them through the fight if it's not necessary. We're also not moving into that house if the kids aren't going to be living there."

Now I'll translate.

"My clever ruse was ineffective! I can't afford to fight you in court, so I guess the kids really are happy there. That makes me feel better to believe that at this time. Plus, now I can't move into that house because I won't be getting your support."

Then she said she had big news.

"We're probably moving to Kentucky. He has a lot of family there and the cost of living is so much cheaper."

or

"We're probably moving to Kentucky. That's where his pot connections are and we can't afford to live in Indiana, we're so poor."

Have a great weekend. I will.

bullied?

Were you bullied in school? I was. So much of my personality, I think, comes from this. The reason I hate offending people. My ability to be the butt of humor so readily. My skill for the witty comeback. My fury when I'm being belittled.

So much of my subconscious, I think is always on the lookout for a bully. And remote sign of bulliness and my defenses go into overdrive. I think being rejected by the masses on Yahoo! Personals feels like the rejection from school. So I have a stronger reaction to that them many would. It's tough for me to say "oh well, they don't know what they are missing, their loss" when I feel like I really don't deserve to be liked. As if all the bullies at school had the correct opinion of me and the mature adults I surround myself with are all lying to me.

The major cause of the breakdown of my marriage was made manifest in counseling right before our divorce. It came out that my wife believed she was better than me. That I was a rude geek and offended everyone and she had the social graces and was popular in high school so therefore she was better.

I believe that all men are created equal. She was a victim of what Bruce Springsteen sang in "Glory Days." That she was so active and popular in high school, she peaked then. It's been downhill for her since. She spent most of the marriage trying to be excellent and really wasn't mentally equipped to carry it out. So when she failed (at girl scouts or a job or keeping a house or anything) she became depressed. Most of her great feats (Tupperware, girl scouts) was me in the background up till 3 a.m. doing the grunt work and the brain work to make it happen.

I feel like I haven't peaked yet. I fell that my life improves yearly. Since I had a terrible high school experience, I don't look back at the illusion of greatness in school and hope I can achieve it in real life.

I now know how to be better. How to be a better parent. How to find a better wife. How to be.

social services

Yep, that's right. She called social services. I have the agent's calling card in my wallet. She claimed the kids were going to school in dirty clothes and smelling badly. She told them the house was a total wreck. She also told them she was afraid that the kids were being abused.

Cheaper than a lawyer if it gets her the kids, of course.

The problem is that because it's true in her fantasy world, doesn't make it true in the real world. A very nice gentleman from Child and Family Services called the kids' school and talked to the teacher and principle, then stopped by and talked to my two younger kids. Everyone interviews was dumbfounded by dire disbelief that anyone might think there's anything wrong. The told him that my kids were happy, well-adjusted, came to school dressed appropriately and didn't smell.

I met him at my house today.

"I'll need to see inside your house."

"Okay." I said, leading him through my ubiquitous Indiana screen door.

He stepped into my great room and looked around and shrugged--a shrug that clearly said, "What the hell am I here for?"

We sat in the kitchen over coffee and explained that this was what his department called a "quickie." That is, following up on a totally bogus claim only because the law says they have to. This claim is almost universally called in by a disgruntled ex-spouse that wants custody.

He, of course, gave the situation a clean bill of health and will forward me the report when it's done so I can use it in court if I need to.

So after he left I went to the Clerk's office who directed me to the prosecutor's office who gave me an application to join the "4-D" Support Collection Program. For a $25 one-time registration fee, they'll collect, prosecute, garnish and whatever needs to be done to get the back support she owes. I haven't sent it back, but I plan to.

What's in your wallet?

turned the corner

My trusty '92 Saturn SL2 is sitting out in the parking lot with exactly 200,000 miles on it. I saw, as I left for lunch, that it had only 22 miles to go before the turnover, so I drove 11 miles away and 11 miles back. It turned just as I pulled in the parking place. It was cool. And I'm a geek.

Okay, that's settled.

Ex is a loon.

She presented me with a hand-written, 5-page list of about thirty reasons the kids shouldn't be with me. (This is in response to the list I gave her about two or three entries down.) About twenty-eight of them were either irrelevant or downright fabrication bases loosely on rumor. The bit about how much time the kids spend in a latch-key situation and the fact that my dog isn't housebroken are the only two that really have any merit.

But put yourself in my shoes. Anyone who's presented with a list of thirty criticisms is going to have a bad evening.

And I did.

Luckily, with the help of some dear friends and Ma Bell, I feel a bit better about it today.

I can't give you the list because she hadn't copied it (so she didn't give it to me) and I don't think I will anyway. I need to let it pass and do the best I can. Nothing has changed from the last post. I still believe that's going to be the ultimate outcome, but I'm a little less sure of it now.

She doesn't understand why the court might look down on failure to pay support, failure to take advantage of mid-week visitation, and a willingness to move 15 minutes farther from her kids.

A loon.

Okay, that's settled.

clairvoyant

Let me predict the future.

Given: Ex can't afford an attorney.
Given: Ex is lazy.
Given: I've known Ex for over fifteen years.

Since I mentioned something in our conversation (see last entry) about how, if she'd come to me a year from now, I might have given her the kids; I predict that she'll see it as cheaper and easier just to wait a year before asking me for them again. If she's thinking clearly at all, she'll see that it will cost a ton of money and still take a year to get them if she goes to court.

Who really knows? I just don't think she'll go through with it. The only way we even got divorced was with me doing all the legal footwork. She likely doesn't believe that she is personally able to start the proceedings all by herself and will rely on PegLeg to help get the ball rolling. Just from what I've gleaned, PegLeg is not too reliable when it comes to actually following through on grand plans.

The kids asked me last night what I thought the chances of her going to court were and I told them that I put them about as high as her and PegLeg buying the girls each a go-kart (as is PegLeg's plan.)

How much can you do on $1600 worth of Social Security a month? (Did I mention she was unemployed?)